The Darkest of Three- Mini- It's Always Been You- Part One

*It was a cold fall November morning, a morning that should be like any other, but it wasn’t. Today wasn’t like any other, it was different. Different in a way where I knew my life wasn’t going to ever be the same, whether for the good or for the bad I wasn’t going to be that little girl everyone expected me to be I would be a woman full of hopes dreams and a life ahead of her. A life I didn’t know where I would fall but a life that at least I knew I belonged wherever he was. I sit here against my window sill with a blanket around me my hair up in a messy bun and a pen in my hand with my diary in the other. I tap the pen against the blank pages sighing as I couldn’t help but be blank. I looked from the lonely blank pages, that seemed to try and swallow me, to look out the window. the bright sun light beaming down on me as the rays illuminate my fair skin, the glow of my eyes shining down as I tear up full of emotions I couldn’t understand. My eyes just kept staring out the window, the feelings inside me I couldn’t escape. I sat there just thinking of it all and how it came to be, the way I was now. I was usually a chatter box, not only with my mouth rambling on toward people about absolutely anything and everything but also in my own mind. I would be able to write about anything and everything from the stupid kids at school to the sparkle in my cats eyes when I would pet her. I got that from my father, my mother didn’t ever understand how we could write so much and it come with such ease and flow. Today was different, as have been the last few weeks. My heart came alive inside of me like a fire being lite and I didn’t understand it. I never fell this hard, or felt this much toward someone. The feelings that escaped my inner soul I couldn’t keep inside or hide anymore. Letting out a deep sigh I looked down at the empty pages that sit in front of me and just starred trying to figure out what to write, should I write about the good or the bad or should I not write about it at all. I was the type of girl who didn’t and wouldn’t fall that easy. Sure there had been boys, dates and what not before I met him but as soon as I clicked with him those other boys just didn’t matter anymore. Our friendship bloomed; he was my best friend and even to this day still is even if I thought of him as something more. I wanted him to have everything in the world, even if it wasn’t me; I wanted him to have happiness full of so much devotion that he could choke on it. Letting out a chuckle I brought the pen to my dainty plum lips biting down on the end as I laughed and thought about him. His cute smile that always made me smile even if I was having the worst of days. Even if I was mad at him or worried about him that frustration that burned inside of me always went to a love that only he could understand. I looked up out the window as my thoughts wandered about us and how we came to be where we were at this moment. I knew I wanted him and he knew I did but something was keeping us there where it was just a want not a full need. I wanted him to see I needed him just as much as I thought he needed me. I wanted to reach out and kiss him and show him just how much but something was stopping me. I watch outside my window as birds flew the wind knocking at the shutters. My mother outside on the porch as she drank her tea with my baby cousins as my uncles were out. I watched as the swings blew softly against the railings and the leaves moving against the grass. The trees were already turning a brilliant yellow as the changes were in the air for winter, I never really took the time to really study the way the earth moved or how the seasons changed. I honestly never really took the time to look at all my surroundings. I was more into myself or being popular at school or even teasing my uncles rather than really taking the time to look at the world around me. He did this to me. He made me see what life was about. He made me feel inside not like any other man had. He was why my very existence meant something now. It wasn’t just your everyday fall in love scenario. He made me want to hold my breathe to pause time, stay awake for days be his number one. I could be faking a smile and he always knew it wasn’t truly me. He knew exactly how to make me feel and what I wanted in life.  I shook my head slightly as I came back to my reality, I was staring for who knew how long in my own little world when I realized the sun was already setting. I let out a sigh and brought the pen from my plump red juicy lips down to the paper and wrote the date at the top. I decided to write it all down, just how much he meant to me and what he means to me now. I needed the emotions and feelings written out. I didn’t want to bottle them up any longer I wanted my feelings to show.

Dear Diary,

   I met this boy man. We really have known each other what seems like years but in recent years that friendship had grown and blossomed into something I only imagined would happen in fairy tales. It was like a book had been written like this before in some old century. He opened up my eyes to things I only believed could happen if you were like famous or something. He has this heart, a big heart that you wouldn’t think a man of his demeanor would have or even open up to show he has. He was like a dream I somehow manifested to come alive. I can’t explain how it happened or why it did but the friendship over the years just grew from a brother like figure to a best friend to something more. I couldn’t help but see him a different way. He always made me feel more like I wasn’t anything less than perfect. He makes me feel that life won’t be easy but with the right people by your side anything is possible. He captured something inside me that the fuel that flowed inside me was finally set a fire and blew up into a passion ball of every emotion you could think possible. This feeling makes me want to be more not only for him but for myself. Even if he didn’t feel the same or did he still meant more to me than life itself. His feelings always come before my own. His heart deserves something and even if it wasn’t me I wanted to be by his side through thick and thin no matter the cost. I wanted to always see him smile and laugh and just be himself even if it wasn’t just for me. The life ahead only seemed better and easier with a heart now full of so much. The passion I want to fill him with only grows with each passing day. There isn’t a life after him, I needed him in my life whether just as we are or as more. His words always brighten my day his smart ass remarks always get me to think and laugh. All I know is if this isn’t love I don’t know what is. For now I will just keep him inside of me and hold him for dear life for I don’t want to ever lose him or this feeling. I want him to always lite up even if it’s not for me at least I know he would be happy and in this life from here so would I

Love always

Anna Lynn

I didn’t know if any of the words I wrote made sense but they made sense to me getting it all out. I wasn’t writing it for anyone but my own self to get it out. I took the pen wrapping it inside the leather bound pages and tied up the Diary leaning over and setting it down on the desk that stood across from my window sill. I laid back against the window will staring now at the stars and moon rising up from the mountains that stood in front of my mother’s mansion. I couldn’t help but take in a deep breathe closing my eyes and smiling as I felt relief of a new beginning was just ahead of me whether it was a path I already knew a path I didn’t or even a rocky road ahead. I didn’t care as long as I had my family my friends and a true me I knew I was going to be fine. And maybe one day, just one day a new light will shine and I will feel a burning desire pour out of me to someone who feels just as the same. For now I would wrap myself up and just watch the nights sky unfold and a show in the night. For the tears I cry will no longer bother me, the feelings will no longer make me fall. I will breathe in a new life and open up to anything and everything that comes my way. With that I got up from my window put on my leather jacket walked down stairs and set out on a new adventure. For I knew it would always be him, no matter what I would always have him in my heart my mind and my soul even if it was just a dream or just a figment of my imagination I knew I would find him again one day.