About the Writer: My Real Life Story- Part 2

Continued

This is my life, it isn’t some fairy tale and far from it. But it is the life I live and all true not fictional

I wanted to give a glimpse of who I am, and this isn’t for petty or for any kind of remorse; I have lived a life that many have yet to even comprehend and I am proud to keep going even if there may be twists and turns and love and joy and sorrow it is the life I was given. God sure has a way of saying, damn tori you need this bump no wait let me make a turn or better yet let’s make it a roller coaster of events to see what you can take.

Read Journey Part 1 to understand Part 2

Journey Part 2

Growing up was hard for a girl like me, I was a twig, blonde hair blue eyes and didn’t know how to fit in with really any crowd. I was bullied from the start of kindergarten all the way up to my middle school years until I switched high schools where no one really knew of me or my name. I, to this day, don’t know why I was bullied but does any kid really know why? I wasn’t ugly but not really pretty enough to fit in the popular kids in school, I was a nerd and took to things like nature and love more than sports at a young age. So I was always the outsider looking from the inside out.

It started with kindergarten, I was the kid that never went to other peoples houses and was never the kid that got to go to school functions or dances for that matter. I guess that separated me from others. My grandma was just worried bout what could happen to us kids, I mean I get it but it still stuck me out like a sore thumb, from fitting in. I don’t blame her though, she was only trying to do what was best for us and keep us far from danger. But even if she tried to protect us, she really couldn’t protect us from ourselves.

I tried suicide very young, very foolish but it is a part of my story. I always felt alone, not fitting in and getting bullied. I wasn’t one to really come out with it to my parents, they always thought school was great. But when you are always tormented at school and never being heard from school officials you really don’t think your parents will hear you either. I was the kid that was the tattle tale the snitch the goody too shoes. It was a nightmare. Day in and day out, I didn’t want to even face school. Elementary at that. I was different than others.

I couldn’t explain really why to others why I was singled out by my parents, not being allowed to school functions but who could? Who could understand that your biological parents were crazy and wanted to do everything to get you? Even at a young age I knew of what happened but really didn’t out it in perspective. I tried my hardest to fit in but when you’re the girl that is basically covered it doesn’t help.

Things always were taken out of proportion at that young of an age, and kids can be harsh. I was 10 when it got even worse, because of my history of abuse, my body didn’t know how to react and gave me my early “becoming of age” gift at only 10, that’s when hormones were out of balance and unfortunately the migraines started.

One thing I didn’t tell about before, when I was adopted my grandmother was married to my first grandfather; Robert. And that’s a hard subject to bring up because I bonded to him so much. I was 2 when he passed away. My grandma said I didn’t know or understand death so she would see me talking to him when he wasn’t even there, she said I told her he was. So I guess a ghost that lingered to make sure I was ok, or so she said. He passed away from a brain tumor. It was hard for her. And for me. He was my rock at that young of age.

So when I started my girlhood way too early, from what the doctors said, it caused a chain of reactions for my head and migraines. I was diagnosed with chronic migraines at a young age, but I was in and out of doctors because my mom was afraid, with my grandpa passing, that I had the same symptoms and so again more to add on the very long list I would be teased for. The list would go on and on. I couldn’t take it. Life. Was this what it was supposed to me? Back then bullying wasn’t at the top of things like it is today, did I think about hurting others? No. My thoughts led to my own demise. Sad really to end ones own life because of how others can treat another. How cruel this world could be.

The emotions of just not having  a place in this world was too much. And things just started gathering up. I didn’t know really what it meant to leave this world but when you have so much at a young age going wrong you think maybe its best you weren’t here. Then another blow happened. My grandmother, my mom, grew very ill. She had been in and out of hospitals from my young age because of her own misfortunes in life but when she grew more ill I thought, why be here without her.

Finding out my grandmother who I now called mom, was sick it got to me. My mom had been very sick for a long time , even now at her age 74, she’s very ill. She has suffered from cancer, to MS all my life with her and debilitating migraines. I knew I couldn’t lose her trying to fight this cruel world and thinking I would have to do this alone it got to me and I had felt like there was nothing left to live for.

Suicide isn’t the answer folks, talk to someone anyone. Before you could do damage to yourself or to anyone else. Killing yourself, or even the thoughts of hurting others, it isn’t the answer. Even back then it wasn’t. I knew my friend cut a lot and so I tried, didn’t exactly do it right but I did it but something told me inside my time was just the beginning, yea I may have it rough right now but something prevented me from doing it right because that little voice was saying “tori you are so much more than this, you have a life ahead of you; stop what you are doing.” I literally had the shaver to my wrist, I made a small mark but that voice made me stop. I cried like you wouldn’t believe, my heart poured out in that bathroom as I curled up against my own body. God. Now you may not have beliefs and I am far from a saint, even growing up my mom being a preachers kid, tried to install god into us but you really don’t connect until you truly are brought to the light of it all. And this was just that, my beginning.

I wasn’t one to lie to my mom, even to this day I cant. It makes me sick. I have always been taught at a young age not to lie, That telling the truth, even if I got in trouble, was worth it than the lie. So if you ever are in worry, I don’t lie I tell it how it is, its not in my body or nature to lie. I just can’t do it. Makes me sick to this day to lie. I always have to come out with the truth even if it hurts. You have to realize a lie will hurt more than the truth. I told my mom what I did, man I got the belt but my mom she didn’t die then and wasn’t about to now. She had to teach me suicide wasn’t the answer, I had to face the fears and the trouble head on. To this day from then to now She would fall, pass out, many things and I knew I had to be there for her, this life had to be more than it was And I had to realize life may get hard, it may push you down but suicide wasn’t the answer. SO instead of going all the way I talked to my parents about everything and they sat me down and talked to me and got me some help. That wasn’t the first time I was going to be in therapy and it surely wasn’t going to be the last.

It wasn’t, actually until Facebook days, that people from my elementary and middle schools days tried finding me and actually apologized for their cruelness. It’s sad it took that long for them to see and maybe it was because they had kids of their own now and see how much that can hurt a child. I can’t really say why but only that I had always forgave them.

God says to forgive and forget, in those cases of course in a heartbeat because I know how it can be to be in a hard place. Bullying isn’t the answer but it made me realize it wasn’t me who needed the saving maybe it was the people bullying that needed the help. I took this and used it to live,

It wasn’t easy, taking the bullying day in and day out. But it made me stronger, and there were days I would cry til my heart broken into pieces, but I used that to keep going.

God does say to forgive, but how do you forgive the people who gave you life? That was to be my test when I hit 14. My real biological mom showed up at the door again, this time it wasn’t to try and kidnap us, this time it was to give us the answers we seeked. You ever have that burning question why?

Mine was why was I not wanted, why was I pushed to the side above all others. Why was drugs more than my own life? Why was I put into this world and have to endure bullying, almost dying, strange body functions occurring young, why did I have these memories that made me crumble, Why. Why, why?

Wouldn’t you want to know? Wouldn’t you want a better life than ever corner people don’t want you? Even your own age? I pushed it all aside until 14 when I got the chance to ask. My mom, (grandma) always made it a point to talk out feelings, hence why I was also strange in school because that’s all I wanted to do was communicate. It’s a great tool. Heck it even helped me get into ASB in middle school because I was great at communicating.

Maybe a little too much and that’s another journey into my world to talk about. Middle school. That was the beginning of how cruel kids could really get. Even the beginning of rape and unwanted touch but that’s another story in itself. I’m telling you it wasn’t easy growing up. But my mom and dad tried (grandparents) to make it a life I was worth it in.

I am getting ahead of myself, when I was 14 my biological showed up. Why? Because my grandmother thought it best we knew first hand by her mouth the Whys I always questioned. My therapist told my grandma it would be best for all of us to know. My grandma kept in touch even after what her own daughter did to us because that’s the person she was, forgiving.

She of course invited her into our home, my sister and I were home some vacation I think. And my dad (grandpa she remarried and adopted us) was at work, he had been 32 military career, retiring a gunners Master chief, there were only two of his statute one on west, him and one on east; he retired and started working when I was young at the World famous San Diego Zoo for a security officer, was there until now retiring after 25 years. Anyways, my dad at the time was at work, at the zoo, when my real mom showed.

My grandma, aka mom(if I say mom its her), sat us in a pow wow  circle and told us, “This is your chance, to ask her why, to ask all the questions I needed to keep going. The only question I ever wanted, was Why she didn’t want us? Why did it happen the way it did, why didn’t she want me? And the answer came out, I didn’t deserve what she told me but honestly I needed it to finally move past them and move on with my own life even if it was challenging.

Her answer, “I was a mistake. I never should have been born. I was only conceived for money, welfare money.” That cut my soul. I got up and slammed the door in her face figuratively and physically. That was the last time until my older years I ever let her or my real father back in my life. Was I a mistake? Should anyone be told that? No. And I used that to survive and grow stronger, I would need that strength to carry on my life.

#TBC