About the Writer: My Real Life Story- Part 3

Journey Part 3

This is my life, it isn’t some fairy tale and far from it. But it is the life I live and all true not fictional

I wanted to give a glimpse of who I am, and this isn’t for petty or for any kind of remorse; I have lived a life that many have yet to even comprehend and I am proud to keep going even if there may be twists and turns and love and joy and sorrow it is the life I was given. God sure has a way of saying, damn tori you need this bump no wait let me make a turn or better yet let’s make it a roller coaster of events to see what you can take.

WARNING- there will be triggers so please stop now if you are triggered

Read Journey Part 1 to understand Part 2 and Read part 2 to understand Part 3

Hearing you are a mistake is very difficult to cope with especially for a 14 year old who is just making a dent in the world. Having already had gone through so much already from birth to now and just wanting to hear the words I needed to really push myself is all I wanted. Did I want to hear I was a mistake? Does anyone really want to hear that? No. But honestly it pushed me to be more to do more to show them up.

It hurt, it was like someone took my heart out of my chest and stopped on it repeatedly, I mean to know I was only born for the benefit of money and I shouldn’t have been born, her exact words, and that I was a mistake I should have never happened it kills someone. It was like I was barely making it to the top of a deep pool and gasping for air that wouldn’t come.

I do though, thank god, and for the many miracles that instead of aborting me or throwing me away, which basically she did in a sense, that she decided to have me; even if it was for her benefit because I am living proof that even if I was just a paycheck I am now beyond that paycheck and I am making a difference in my own life. I am one of the very few that gets to say I am proud I was given that breathe to life even if that breathe still took hold of me. I am thankful I was adopted. I am for pro-choice and that everyone should have control of their own body but I am living proof that everything happens for a reason, I would rather keep living it over and over than not be here at all. Everything happens for a reason and I stick by that. Even if they were POS’s

Her answer, “I was a mistake. I never should have been born. I was only conceived for money, welfare money.” That cut my soul deep, it took me a long time to really cope with that, even to this day it baffles me; but at that I have used it to show people I am no one’s mistake even through all my own I have had, I am a survivor and I am worth it.

When someone gets words like that thrown at them it can be devastating. I think deep down I hide all the feelings I had been having, and bottling it up. This is where I will tell you, don’t bottle it up it only gets worse and it can be torturing. Seek help, ask for it. I didn’t. I kept it in.

When I hit middle school, bullying continued. More so because I had gained some weight, I wasn’t the same twig I was and unfortunately had a hair cut done to me because I didn’t take care of my long beautiful blonde hair, so I looked like a boy. That made things worse. I blamed my grandma for a lot of it but honestly she didn’t pick it I did, I could have gone just with a shoulder length but what did I know about what looked good and what didn’t, I was in middle school

Kids got worse. But I took it with a grain of salt and just really concentrated on school. Which made me look like a nerd, I even had the rolling suitcase, not a backpack, which I made mistake of having, but it was ok I took it with pride. I smiled each day even if I was breaking inside. Kids even in middle school can cut the soul. And with now the knowledge of my upbringing it was hard.

But I kept going, I made it to 8^th grade and even got to be apart of the school in the ASB program. It still was rough, people, kids my own age didn’t give me the chance to show them I wasn’t just the nerd or the tomboy that I could fit in too. ASB taught me even adults could be cruel, our advisor being one of them, but I feel that lesson taught me I had to have a backbone and not be kicked even when down. I did what I had to, to survive. I always told myself “high school is going to be different, I am going to a new school no one knew of me.” It was true in a sense and I definitely came out of my shell more when I went in. But things carried from middle to high school that still haunted me

8^th grade was the first time I was touched and not in the way I ever wanted or asked for. It wasn’t the first and unfortunately not the last, but I had a voice and I used it. At that young age to speak about being unwanted touched from another kid their age makes you shut down when other kids just call you names and put you down for speaking up.

You always see this day and age so many protests, so many banners about anti bully’s or speaking up if you get ever touched or raped but when you are young and kids your age call you names for speaking up like you are supposed to what mind set does that put someone in? It makes them grow older to be afraid to speak up for the backlash received. Even to this day people are scared to even speak about work life sexual harassment because of the backlash they feel they will get or the talk or the bullying and its because when we were young that’s the impression we got when we did speak up.

I was in 8^th grade when my first harassment took place but it was going to be the last, in fact that was baby steps compared to what happened in high school but that’s another journey to my soul.

My words for girls in this type of situation or even boys, woman and men alike, if you ever feel wronged sexual wise or otherwise speak up don’t keep your mouth quiet, things will settle and guess what? Your voice won’t be shamed your voice will help you grow to be the best you need to be for yourself and your family. I now look back and even with the backlash I wouldn’t change what I did and spoke up, because it wouldn’t make me the stronger person I needed to be today. #TBC