About the Writer: My Real Life Story- Part 4
Journey 4
This is my life, it isn’t some fairy tale and far from it.
But it is the life I live and all true not fictional
I wanted to give a glimpse of who I am, and this isn’t for
petty or for any kind of remorse; I have lived a life that many have yet to
even comprehend and I am proud to keep going even if there may be twists and
turns and love and joy and sorrow it is the life I was given. God sure has a
way of saying, damn tori you need this bump no wait let me make a turn or
better yet let’s make it a roller coaster of events to see what you can take.
WARNING- there will be triggers so please stop now if you
are triggered
Read Journey Part 1 to understand Part 2 and Read part 2 to
understand Part 3 and next part 4
Whoever said life would get easier, hasn’t stepped a foot in
my shoes. I am in it for the long haul. Life doesn’t get easy, in fact it can
get hard before it gets easy. God puts us in these situations to test us and
see where we can really go. But sometimes you even start to question god, like
why put me through so much more when haven’t I gone through the worst of the
worst already?
I have come to a realization, I am a people pleaser. I hate
confrontation even when I know some things should be confronted. I typically
give into what people want even though I know whatever I give into is hurting me
in the end. I would rather have other happiness over my own.
I hate explaining how I feel because I have that mechanism
that automatically puts up a guard and walls. I don’t tend to let many in. And
When I finally do let people in I start to explain myself more and more but
sometimes I feel that even if I explained myself until I am blue in the face
sometimes I still feel I get let down, hurt or disappointed whether it be in
myself or others. It started real young trying to explain things I had been through
and many just didn’t get it or believe me, not even the cops so I guess it’s
just another way I cope. I start to shut down. There’s this void I start to
feel and sometimes I let it consume me
People always tell me constantly I can come to them but then
the what ifs come, “what if they don’t listen, what if I am just crazy, what if
what if what if….They tell me to remember they are here for them but what if I
am not really here for myself? Does that make sense? That I don’t trust myself
not to break or not to shatter because I have been in that same situation
before, no one believed me or in me. It follows you whether you like it to or
not.
I always worry if I am doing the right thing not just for
myself and my family but also others. I hate losing people and honestly its
because it started when I lost my own real mom. Yea it was for the best but
when you are told you were a mistake and never should have been born even
making a comment I should have died? You tend to take that to heart and bring
that up in how you feel in any give situation. Like am I good enough, I
deserved this. I deserve all of this that is coming to me whether I do or don’t
its because of the traumatic causes I have been through.
Do you ever feel that you have to please everyone to make
them happy but, in the end, you are crying inside and are breaking because you
don’t know how to make everyone smile when you can’t even do that. People have
put me in situations where I literally am at a point of thinking maybe I was
better off gone but does that even help anyone? No it wouldn’t but maybe what I
should be seeing is what is best like taking a step back and realizing my worth
in the end
Here is where some of my self doubt began. Journey #4 High
school
It started with really wanting to be loved in any way form
possible whether it was to impress or whether it was to feel like I belonged it
was always the same, I yearned to be loved and not crushed not shattered to
pieces. I cry in and out now because I lose touch with myself because I don’t
even really love myself.
Growing up I was beautiful and I can say that now but I
never felt it even then, and even now. 8th grade I gained a lot of weight and
of course bully’s names calling and it all came out, so I resorted to not
eating anymore, even taking green tea pills as a regiment. I started to become
more active and to start finding myself where the weight was gone and I was not
the fat girl anymore. I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, it wasn’t like sex. I
actually was a virgin until I was raped. Then it was down from there.
I started seeing guys in the innocent way, and thought I had
fallen in love but what did I really know about love? I wanted my own parents
my real ones to love me and I guess that is where the void stems from I tried
to fill. I started dating but it wasn’t the big deal as most would be it was
normal high school dating.
It was my birthday I was crushed and told by my first love
he was breaking up with me because I wouldn’t have sex and he had, had sex with
someone else getting them pregnant. How would you take that? To use my own body
against me. It crushed me more than it ever could especially on my own
birthday. It made me feel worthless like what was the point anymore.
I then looked toward church and expected something different,
but same ol story; dated someone from church who actually cheated on me with my
best friend because I wouldn’t put out and she did. She of course felt awful and came to me with
saying let’s see some guys she knew, which were navy boys. That’s when the
trouble started.
I had dated a few navy boys, my first again chose another
one of my own friends because I wouldn’t put out, pattern, right? But over the years, even with him I had forgiven and actually became closer than ever. He never hurt me in a physcial state and yea sure at 16 it hurt to be cheated on but hey things like that can be forgiven but other things cant. I know how to
pick’em. My second bf was sweet enough to dump me at the beach because he
told me he didn’t want to be like the others and cheat on me because I wouldn’t
put out yet. I was barely 17 I wanted to have my life ahead of me and was
scared of even the thought of what sex could do or put me in.
My own father didn’t agree with my choice in men being a
military navy man himself and told me to get a job or at 16 I would be kicked
out. So of course, not even thinking twice I went and got myself a job. It was
the right thing to do at the time. I was being used left and right and even my
own dad (grandpa) knew he had to give me an ultimatum to try and get me out of
it all, did it work? No but I did get the value of working and keeping my mind
off of the pain I was going through.
My last bf had actually dated a few of my friends. I
thought he was going to be different because he knew my friends including
someone very special to me, my sister #M (best friend like a sister). She
and I were always together and inseparable even if I was 3 years younger, we
had that bond and she even liked the guy. Little did I know at 17 he would be
the one to take the little innocence I had left away from me by showing me how men can be.
It was a Friday night, I had just got off work and of course
I would tell my parents I was going to my sister #M's house to spend the
night which they didn’t mind because they loved her too. I made other plans
first, and #M knew, I went to his house and it was hot making out but I
knew I had to leave but he didn’t let me. To remove him off me I had to finally
knee him and ran out like a bat out of hell.
I couldn’t talk, I became mute. Even going to my sister #M's she knew something was up so decided to try and get ahold of him, but
from phone calls no answer to texts we actually went to his house in the
morning only to find he had another woman there. I had asked #M not to tell a soul about something that had happened between him and I and she didn’t.
;The people pleaser coming out, I knew if I said anything
his career would be ruined and who was to say he wouldn’t say I came on to him.
I say that because he told me and #M that, he told us if I tried to say
anything it would just all go away and I would be a laughing stock. At very
young, and having that dignity taken away you take in words and start to
believe it. So rather speaking up I shut it all in and started to become
someone I wasn’t. #M tried to help me comfort me everyday even wanted to
move in with me and my parents not explaining why to them she needed to be with
me but made up lies to be there. Of course, it didn’t happen so she tried ways
to just console me other ways. She was the bestest friend I could ever have
had.
It didn’t come out until months later in my peer mediation
class that I had let it out crying and upset, of course the counselor/teacher
who ran the class had to take it to the authorities which got my mom involved
but unfortunately it was in another county it happened and police couldn’t
touch him because people protected him.
I was so young and it crushed me that no one could help but
I couldn’t even have helped myself. I was the one that hid it inside. I was
scared and let me tell you all don’t be scared yell it out to the world don’t
let anyone brush you under like you are just some piece of trash; that’s how I
felt. #M stuck by me through it all from constant cop visits to eventually
getting some counseling, which I still was mute and stopped going after only a
few sessions lying to my parents saying I was fixed. Again, people pleasing, my mom didn’t want me
to see therapists because she knew from her own experiences they didn’t help so
rather keep it up I just said I was ok.
Things started to get a little better when I graduated high
school, concentrating on my job I had a
full-time I had stuck with for 2 years and I started to gradually stay away
from all the navy guys in all. Even started dating a new guy from work, well a
few, but again sex was the go-to and I just wasn’t ready.
There are a few memorable boyfriends that still to this day
won’t ever be someone I hate I knew they had their choices and I had mine. I
wasn’t going to give myself in only for a notch on a belt and I wanted someone
who wanted my heart fully. I can’t blame them again a people pleaser in me. I
blame myself at times for not being ready. Like maybe things would be totally
different than they ended up being but everything happens for a reason and now
I have 2 beautiful boys in the end.
I feel my relationships were all screwed over because I
tried to have something fill the void I felt. Unfortunately, events just kept
getting me and hitting me hard. I had met my first man I let have me when I was
working for sears. I had myself very held to a standard and I felt the guy saw
that, he knew I had dated someone else in the department and it didn’t go well
because I wouldn’t just give myself up. Now I don’t know if that’s why he
wanted to date me or he felt that it was admirable.
I dated the guy for 5 long years. There were ups and downs
with our relationship that factored in to our own demise not just with us but
for myself and losing who I was, from my own father kicking me out of my home
because of his race. It broke me
When your own family kicks you out when that was
all you knew for so long and looked up to, that void becomes more and more.
You start to lose who you were and your friends become less and less there for
you. There is so much a friend can say when you are just in a repeat cycle of
love then hate and hurt. He never physically hurt me but mentally it became
more and more of why wasn’t I the gf he needed and wanted him to be. I was
always supposed to impress and not ever have an opinion and that eventually got
to me, and started seeing I wasn’t me anymore.
I moved in with him way too fast because of my dad kicking
me out and supported him through everything. Not really supporting my own
family or friends, even started to see less and less of them and concentrated
on him not them. It took a toll on my family. To this day I regret some of the
choices I made and wish I could redo it all but again things happen for a
reason.
I didn’t see he was wrong for me until it was deep into the
relationship. 5 years deep without a care of where we were going or who was in
our path. I started seeing my friends more and my family to make up lost time
and he started to resent me for it. It wasn’t until he was being different and
found that he was addicted to pain killers that I told him enough was enough;
to choose me or the pain killers I even threw the pain killers down the toilet.
That didn’t go very well he threatened to kill me with a machete, but I didn’t
care I was done.
My best friend knew he had changed and I was changing
and had to get me out of that situation. That’s when I met my first husband.
Another journey in this crazy life of tori. The last part of this journey that
ended up breaking my spirt, was when my sister #M who got me through so
much died suddenly. It is the start of journey 5.
I had just gone through the breakup of my 5-year
relationship, and I had moved back in with my parents in their RV they had and
within barely 2 weeks I was never home and more with the guy nick had
introduced me to. My mom was worried I wasn’t letting my heart heal and that I
was moving way too fast,#M agreed with her. That didn’t sit too well with
me and of course I wanted to prove them all wrong.
So I didn’t listen, and instead I moved everything I owned
into this little 3 bedroom apartment with 5 other people including a baby.
#M knew from the start, that since I had to clean my bfs room to even fit
any of my stuff in that the relationship was just going to fail and she knew I
was looking for a fulfillment of a void and just wasn’t ready to start a new
journey. I should have listened.
I went to see her at her place of work and of course instead
of listening to her I would make it all about me. I should have listened better
I should have opened my eyes and ears. She said she was having migraines and
her body was in pain, now if you knew my best friend like I did you would know
my best friend hated doctors. Not so much them but the money and she didn’t
have health insurance it wasn’t yet a requirement.
She ended up moving and going to las vegas with her then
fiancé. I was upset and hurt she would leave me and for the fact she couldn’t
believe in my new relationship. It was 6 months in to the relationship that I
told her, my best friend, I had gotten a wedding dress and was going to vegas
to get married and wanted her to be there, but we actually got in a fight about
it. She tried to tell me the whole phone call she was going in for a minor
surgery and not to get married and all this jazz and instead of listening to
why she needed surgery or what was wrong I made it about me. To this day I
regret the argument and the call I wish I was different.
The next morning, I had got the call everyone dreads, I was
hoping it was her so I could apologize and then ask about the surgery but
instead it was the minor surgery she had she passed away. Only 30 years old my
best friend in the world who was always there was gone and I wasn’t there for
her. It broke me. And yet I still married the first husband. That was the start
of my demise in life, and I feel if I had listened maybe just maybe she would
be alive, maybe if I listened to her telling me she was always sick and her
migraines and her body hurting I could have made her go sooner to the doctor.
It turned out she had, had breast cancer and it spread to
her brain and that in surgery a blood clot arose and her body couldn’t take it.
To this day I always feel if she is telling me something I now listen.
I learned from the start I am too much of a people pleaser,
my bf who I was to marry told me not to think about it or worry about her
basically to brush off her death and think about our getting married. I should
have knew then it was all about him and getting my money because I had a new
job making a lot of money working for insurance and he figured I could take
care of him, #M tried warning me with the first thing cleaning his own room
a grown mans room and cooking for him and pleasing him over my own emotions it
wasn’t going to be the perfect relationship; but I didn’t want to listen or
hear the words I needed to hear.
I thought about myself, I thought about how a hot guy wanted
me and how I thought I could be myself but it wasn’t like that at all. In the
end #M was gone and I was heading into a marriage that could have almost
killed me. All in the name of filling the void and the love I craved.
Losing my best friend, someone even through times they never agreed with me or if we fought, was the hardest things even to this day I take to my heart. She was the one person I counted on, I fought with and I fought for and in the end my own demise was not giving her the light of day and losing her. I will never forget our talks or late night drives or her ranting and raving about Sears. even if she hated who i was with she never lost track of me, she never gave up on me like some have. She was the one that always told me how it was bluntly but never gave up on me. M will forever be in my heart and soul. She will always be one I will tell my kids about, the one that they will never know but always know.
A lot of the boyfriends I had, except for a few, I have been able to talk to and really understand why things happened the way they did, from my first love to the ones that let me off easy. Most with families of their own now, and I thank god we have grown up and gone past the fails we had as we were young, ad this story isn't to condone them or belittle them it is to tell my story growing up to where I am now, what things shaped my life and what things made me the survivor I am. I will say that without these fails or road bumps I wouldn't be where I am today. Most have become family to me today and honestly, I wouldn't change what happened. I would change being raped but I am a survivor and I just have to keep going otherwise I would look at life as being meaningless. This has helped me cope with all I have been through and with my family and friends have stuck by me has made things easier to keep going.
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