Just some thoughts written down

Just some thoughts written down

I have come to a realization, I am a people pleaser. I hate confrontation even when I know some things should be confronted. I typically give into what people want even though I know whatever I give into is hurting me in the end. I would rather have other happiness over my own.

I get overwhelmed in my own thoughts, am I doing this right? Did I just hurt this person without really seeing what I have done. Do I overthink, over stress and over worry about things that I shouldn’t? yes. The answer is yes. The thoughts running through my head, from one way or another am I talking to someone others hate and then they hate you for doing so, guilty by association. Do you do something and by no means it hurts or makes someone see you in a different way and you wish with all your heart you could change it all, ya…that’s me

I hate explaining how I feel because I have that mechanism that automatically puts up a guard and walls. I don’t tend to let many in. And When I finally do let people in I start to explain myself more and more but sometimes I feel that even if I explained myself until I am blue in the face sometimes I still feel I get let down, hurt or disappointed whether it be in myself or others. It started real young trying to explain things I had been through and many just didn’t get it or believe me, not even the cops so I guess its just another way I cop. I start to shut down. There’s this void I start to feel and sometimes I let it consume me

People always tell me constantly I can come to them but then the what ifs come, “what if they don’t listen, what if I am just crazy, what if what if what if….They tell me to remember they are here for them but what if I am not really here for myself? Does that make sense? That I don’t trust myself not to break or not to shatter because I have been in that same situation before, no one believed me or in me. It follows you whether you like it to or not.

I always worry if I am doing the right thing not just for myself and my family but also others. I hate losing people and honestly its because it started when I lost my own real mom. Yea it was for the best but when you are told you were a mistake and never should have been born even making a comment I should have died? You tend to take that to heart and bring that up in how you feel in any give situation. Like am I good enough, I deserved this. I deserve all of this that is coming to me whether I do or don’t its because of the traumatic causes I have been through.

Do you ever feel that you have to please everyone to make them happy but, in the end, you are crying inside and are breaking because you don’t know how to make everyone smile when you can’t even do that. People have put me in situations where I literally am at a point of thinking maybe I was better off gone but does that even help anyone? No it wouldn’t but maybe what I should be seeing is what is best like taking a step back and realizing my worth in the end