Chapter 3 - Part 3- Remi's Story

Part 3

Nightmares came and never went away, more like night terrors. The definition of a nightmare, “A nightmare, also called a bad dream, is an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically fear but also despair, anxiety and great sadness. However, psychological nomenclature differentiates between nightmares and bad dreams, specifically, people remain asleep during bad dreams whereas nightmares awaken individuals. The dream may contain situations of discomfort, psychological or physical terror or panic. After a nightmare, a person will often awaken in a state of distress and may be unable to return to sleep for a short period of time.”

Night terrors are also known by the names sleep terrors and pavor nocturnes. These were known from ancient times. Night terrors are considered as a parasomnia disorder. Night terrors usually occur during the first few hours of sleep where non-rapid eye movements (NREM) are observable. This period of sleep is known as delta sleep. Therefore, people with more delta sleep activity tend to experience more night terrors. Night terrors can be mistaken for confusional arousal. Usually night terrors begin during the age of 3 to 12 and reduce in the adolescence. Night terrors also occur during the age of 20 to 30.

Unique feature of a night terror is inconsolability. A person may rise with their eyes wide open, with a panicked look upon the face. He may also sweat more than the usual and have elevated heart rate and respiration rate; sometimes twice the normal rate. In some cases, they may show motions like kicking, punching, and fleeing. The person looks as he/she is awake but not. He/she also may not recognize the familiar faces if try to communicate and will often look confused. They may also show sleep walking at times because night terrors and sleep walking are related to parasomnia disorder. Scientists have found a relationship with night terrors and people suffering from mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder.

I tried to hide the terrors from everyone, sometimes even trying not to sleep for weeks on end. Life seemed to be easier for my mom and our family in every way, but me. I felt stuck in a time warp that things were moving ahead of me but I was in a haze of a deep unforgettable reality that never seemed to allow me to come up for air and everything kept holding me under water as if I was drowning.

As the years went on and everyone moved forward my father became a distant memory, but as with distance came the guilt he was gone and that it was my fault.

Of course, calls came in from him, my mom tried to take them to maybe give him a chance; a chance at forgiveness or to understand what he did was wrong but each time it always ended in a yelling match. He would start with the apologizes but it always ended up with the blame “she should have been the one that died not Jessie, She was in the way, she said too much…” she she she; it was always my fault in his eyes and he could not bear the thought that he had any blame.

My mom couldn’t take it the endless nights crying over him and how he made me feel; she didn’t care about herself because she knew she wasn’t there when I needed her the most but she was trying to be now and my dad just didn’t want my mom to feel towards me. He didn’t and he definitely showed it with each grueling phone call. My own guilt was consuming me, and I would hide from the world that was right in front of me, taking the nights with the fear the night terrors would become my reaility once more and each breathe I tried to take would only suffocate me more.

 It finally came time where Steve took it upon himself to answer the last ever phone call we had from him, and what was nice about Steve; her new rich husband, he showed he cared. It wasn’t just about his money or having everything he truly did seem to show love toward my mom as well as me. I wasn’t a pawn in his eyes, in fact he wanted a family whether his or not and treated me as if I was his. He couldn’t allow the calls anymore the pain in my mom’s eyes and how he could always find a way to manipulate the situation. My father wanted everyone against me and no one against himself.

Steve told him never to call again, and in the end Steve changed our number and even up and moved us, but what both Steve and mom never seemed to ask or ever wonder was how much it took its toll on me.
Steve knew something was off with me and tried his very best to show the love I craved but it was too late and I felt that the love was only on the guilt he had for my mom and my dad. Steve had me go to the best schools and the best programs from science camps to technology to try and spark something in me; its why I went to uni for it; but through each passing year as I got older more and more I resented myself and what I could do.

I became depressed and that my own life didn’t matter. Classes were easy but putting in the effort wasn’t there. It didn’t matter. Each time I was growing happy something somehow would remind me of Jessie, he could have been here with me going in life as well my own father, he was stuck behind bars because of me and I couldn’t do anything for him.

The depression barely got me through high school, I applied for college and luckily got in with my fathers help, but it still didn’t get easier. What people don’t realize, especially my parents, is through all that trauma from losing my brother, my father attacking me, the put downs my mother having to be babied by me only a baby myself, each one of these I still carried with me and had no help no therapy nothing to get me out of this rut, so from each passing day and getting through my high hopes it still made a downer on my own life and why I even felt why I was here doing all this and some weren’t.

That’s when I met Nik and things I thought would change…little did I know it would be a world of change.